I dont understand life. Well, i just broke down. I cried like there's no tomorrow. It hurts. I know i did wrong to my mum. But its not that big. I swear upon God. Its just like those typical teenagers who's rude to their parents. Typical teenagers. Not those who uses vulgar k. I dont know what happened just now. I mean, after school I was tired so I fell asleep. For God sake. I didnt even missed the Asar prayer. When i woke up its only 4pm & I still had the time to pray for Zohor. Then why the fcuk my mum is shouting. I dont understand. Is sleeping a crime? IM TIRED. FUCKING TIRED OF LIFE. THATS ALL. Apart from that, previously I did told you guys that I've accepted the so called to go to Australia permission from my mum. I swear, if I can turn back time I wont accept it. I should have listened to my first feeling. What happened was, SHE said - I pay for your trip & is this how you repay me? Kenapa biadap sangat. Anak derhaka. Tak serik2. Tak takut nanti Allah jatuhkan balasan. Nak repeat O lagi? Kalau aku tau aku tak bayar untuk kau. Aku skrg takde duit nak beli barang. Semua harta aku dah kasi kau. Nak pergi luar negera pun takde chance. You know what. This whole shouting series by her just broke me down. I was sleeping. Bloody hell. I didnt even shout or answered her anything. I kept quiet the whole time. I DID NOT EVEN UTTER ONE SINGLE STUPID WORD FROM MY MOUTH. Fyi, even before I accepted the request of gg there I've said to her I dont want in the future you say I need to repay you. Cos i know i cant. Not now. It freaking hurt me. Seriously. YES. I REPEATED MY O's. The only 1 person I expected to give me the fullest support is my mum. MY MUM. & NO ONE ELSE. Yet nothing. I received nothing since the day I started going to school till today. NOTHING. Everyday I have to fake myself up. Faking that everything is going smoothly for me. I dont feel like I have a family anymore. I just dont. Mum has changed. She is not what she used to be.
This is me. I mean I know, whoever is reading right now wont understand what im gg through or what im feeling. But believe me it hurts me. Im crying even as im typing this. I cant tell anyone. I trust no one. They dont give me this feeling that you-can-trust-me. They dont give me this feeling that I-can-understand-you. Im not allowed to share anything to her side. Nenek, my aunt. Anyone. Because i know if i were to tell them my problem, conflict will happen. One after another. So tell me now. Who? Me not telling anyone & just keep everything to myself is stressful enough. Maybe I am under the state of depression? Lols